Finding My Way as a Dad for Riley

I never thought I’d be a dad at twenty-one. When Liz told me she was pregnant, I tried to step up. I wanted to do the right thing, so I went to work for my dad, on his crew as a builder, even though I hadn’t really seen him since I was a kid. It was a job – a way to provide for Riley. More than my parents ever did.

My dad and the guys on the crew don’t respect me. Every day I swallow their comments, take their orders, and try not to explode. By the time I get home, I’m just done.

And Liz changed after Riley was born. She had to—being a mom is serious. But I knew in the first week something was wrong. Riley cried a lot – but so did Liz. She was freaked out all the time – and I had no idea how to take care of a baby, no idea how to help Liz.  Her Mom said she’d get over it, but things were never the same. I’m not sure she ever really got over it. She doesn’t really even smile much anymore. At least not at me.

Even beyond that – I get it that she had to quit drinking while she was pregnant, but even after Riley was born, she was so uptight about it – I felt like every time she said she didn’t want a beer, she was judging me.  Just like my Dad and his crew.

We never had any fun anymore.  Every night was just dark and heavy.  I loved Riley from the first time I held him. But I hated my life. I know I’ve got a temper. Sometimes the frustration builds until I can’t keep it in, and I guess I realize that drinking doesn’t help. I see the way Riley looks at me when I get loud—the way he flinches—and it kills me inside. I love that kid more than anything. Now that he’s old enough to talk and do stuff, I see more and more what I could lose. I know he’s scared of me sometimes, and I don’t blame him. I want to fix it, but I don’t know where to start.

When Liz left, I felt like the ground dropped out from under me. I’m angry she took Riley, and angry that she doesn’t love me anymore.  I didn’t really care about our court case, or the parenting plan. I knew I was going to lose. And I felt like I already had. If it weren’t for sneaking Riley out when Liz’s mother was watching him, I never even got to see my own kid.

When the court appointed Lauren as our CASA, I was pretty hostile at first.  Just another person judging me. But she was really only interested in Riley. Everything she asked me went straight back to that.

I ended up telling her about the day I had Riley in my truck when I was really loaded. I told her how sorry I was that I scared him. And how it made me ashamed to go see him again.  And how much I miss him. She really got me thinking. I’m still upset about it all – but I get why they don’t want me to be alone with Riley. I’m so ashamed.

I’m looking into a treatment program. I called the owner of the company my Dad and I work for, and asked if my insurance will pay, and it might. And I asked to move to a new crew. I can’t keep working for my Dad. He covers for me too much and then lords it over me. It’s got to stop. I don’t have the answers, but I know I can’t keep living like this. For Riley’s sake—and for mine—I need to find a way to change. I don’t want to lose my son.

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